Why it is difficult for an unmarried woman to get married at the age of 40

Why is it difficult for an unmarried woman to get married at a late age?

Well, the obvious reason is that there are too few men at the age of 40 to 50 yrs who are still unmarried. Most of them are already married before the age of 30.

Second, in the Indian society, men (no matter what their age), always look for someone who is younger to them by atleast 3-4 yrs. So if a woman has to look for a man to marry at say the age of 40, she has to look for someone who is more than 45 yrs of age which again narrows down the search.

Third, there is a reason for the men at this age to remain unmarried. Some of them, want to stay single for reasons only they know.  I mean why would you say no to a life long companionship. It still baffles me!!

A few of them have conditions (not expectations) and are still looking for a woman, who will meet those conditions. In Indian society, that could easily be a long list. It would definitely include religion, caste, eating habits, education, family background, horoscope match, looks (oh yes, they all want only a woman who has a fair complexion). 

These are the men who still want to go through the traditional route and are looking for parental support to make those decisions. They don't want to take any decision. They don't understand that if they ignore others advice including their parents and look past these conditions, they would definitely find someone they like. Yes, unfortunately the parents are part of the group the men need to ignore coz most parents want the best for their son, However, what they don't get is that finding a girl who complements the man is what is important.

And then there are some, who really want to get married and are still looking. Trying to find someone who will hold their interest. Unfortunately, this is a very very small number and that is where the problem is!! sigh !!!! 😔

Now, back to the women. Iam not an expert. This could be just what Iam thinking. At the age of 40, a person has gone through a lot in life. They have seen their share of ups and downs. They are more mature, are more strong and independent. They understand that good looks or education to name a few, don't really matter. It is the personality of a person that matters. 

Most of them want someone who would care for them, trust them, treat them as an equal and accept them for who they are. Iam sure that if they find someone who have these, most of them would definitely go ahead and marry them. 

The men have also gone through the same and are looking for the same traits in the women. Unfortunately, most of them have reached a point that they don't care anymore. Sad, but that is the truth!!

Ulutha vadai

My mom has always been an expert in cooking. She cooks delicious dishes and we enjoy them daily. 

The only dish she can never get it right, is the Medu vadai (the only we call as ulutha vadai). Ironically, this is one of my favorite dish. All these years, whenever my mom has tried to prepare this dish, it has ended in a disaster. Either it is too oily or very hard. She used to give up on it and make bondas instead of vadais.

That is the reason, whenever my grand mom is around, she makes it a point to make this vadai for me. She knows that I like them and always cooks them. I have tried to ask my grandmom (on behalf of my mother) on what mistake we have been doing. Even though she explained, my mom never gets them right.

So, it was a surprise when two months back, amma made this vadai and it was just perfect. I was jumping in glee, proud that my mother had finally mastered the art of making ulutha vadai. My mother was herself surprised and tried to remember what she had done to make it right.

I just walked in to the kitchen room today when my mom was frying something. I had a hunch and looked into the cooking vessel. And what did I find, ulutha vadai. They were perfectly made!!!

Me: Amma, you are making ulutha vadae. Wow!!

My mom(*beaming with pride*) : yes.  

Me: you have become an expert, amma. they look so nice.

My mom: yes. ana kannu vetkathe. yetho ippolaam nalla varuthu

Me: ok ok. no problem.

She finally finished frying all of them and we got to eat those delicious vadais. They were perfect in shape and were delicious!!! I just love my mom 💓

The forecasting game

The leadership team wanted us to share the forecasts for the next nine months. My manager set up a meeting to discuss on how we should do this. 

My Mgr: Guyz, we need to give forecast for next year.

All of us: ok

Mgr opens the worksheet to explain

My Mgr: here you see, the revenue has been given. We cannot change it

All of us: ok

My Mgr: The profitability is also given. We cannot change it

My Mind voice: ok, everything is given. Then what shd we do 😖

Me: So V, revenue cannot be changed, profitability cannot be changed. Then what should we update.

My Mind voice: R, why can't you shut your mouth and stay quiet like the others. 

My Mgr: you see the costs - there are different costs. You need to update that which in turn will update the profitability

Me (still not learnt the lesson): Costs is also fixed right.

My Mgr: yes, the total costs is fixed.

Me: I don't control how much salary should be given for an associate. In fact, Iam not supposed to even know those details. The overall cost is fixed.  Nothing is in my control. Then why do they want us to update something I don't know,.

My Mgr: R, I understand what you are trying to say. They want us to update it and send it. Can we pls move to the discussion on what numbers to give in there.

Me: ok.

My Mind voice: company le oruthanukku koodava arivu ille. Just put a formula and derive those numbers na. ithukku oru email!!!! 😂😆

No football for kids :)

I was having a conversation with a colleague at onsite who had taken a day off earlier to be with his son who was having a surgery. 

We started the call,

My colleague: R, a piece of advice. Never allow your kids to play football

Me (perplexed!!): ok...

My colleague: that is bad, very bad.

After some time,

My colleague: What is the name of the popular game you play in India. The one that everyone plays...

Me (racking my brain.. it was so unexpected, I really didn't know what to say): hmm. wht game..

My colleague: the outdoor game that everyone plays including kids.

** Finally a bulb switches on in my brain

Me: are you talking abt cricket. that is a popular game.

My colleague: yes... cricket!!! That is a good game. Ask your kids to play that game. But not football. That is not the right game. They run around and get hurt, badly hurt..

**It was on my tip of the tongue, to tell him that I was unmarried and had no children. But he went on talking and I realized that there was no point in telling him my situation 😄😆. 

He was just a worried parent and was letting out his emotions. So I just let him talk.

Living with parents

No matter what your age, parents still treat you like a kid. 

On top of this if you are a woman, unmarried, living with parents, the situation is going to be even more bad. Well, bad for you, not for them!!

I did hear that it is much more better for men who are unmarried. They still have independence in doing what they want. I don't think parents would ask them where they are going when they leave the house or what they are doing when they are on the phone or in their room.

The same is not the case if it is a daughter.

If Iam chatting on the phone for a long time, Iam advised that it is bad for health. Well, yes, it is bad for health. But what do I do when Iam bored. I don't have a family to take care of or responsibilities as a married woman.

When you ask them to treat you as a woman who is in her forties, they look at you as if you have grown crazy. Add to this, the emotional blackmail they use when you confront them. 

Sometimes, it feels as if you are just bound and trapped by their love. I remember the scene from a thamizh movie. The hero's father wants the best for him and in doing so, does not allow him to make any independent decision. In the end, the hero tries to explain to his dad on what is wrong with him. He tells him that he is a good father, someone who loves and cares for his family. He is someone who wants the best for his children and gives them everything they want. Unfortunately, there is one thing that he is not able to give them - independence. He advises them on everything, never realizing that they are all adults and can make their own choices in life.

The conversation in that scene between father and son is what Iam reminded of whenever I have an argument at home. 

I just wish they allow me to be independent and look at me as a woman who knows what she wants and can manage on her own.